Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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