Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
