I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
