I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
