I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well I can't set my house on fire every night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
