Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
