Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
