ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can Purell be used as lube?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
