Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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