You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
