If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
