I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
