how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
