My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
