I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Randomize
