he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
