I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i now understand why vodka
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
