did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
