Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
