i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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