a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I will be naked everywhere
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
