You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
