There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
