So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
