so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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