So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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