Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dick very happy bro
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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