never play flip cup with pint glasses
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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