I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
