whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
