My Higher Power is John Stamos
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
