I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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