can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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