A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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