i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
