Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i think im in europe. pls send help
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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