WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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