i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
