you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
