Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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