If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
