I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
