Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
