why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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