DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
