Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
