i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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