Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
