I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
