is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
