he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
