Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
