a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
