i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
