The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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