I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
