you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
