He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
